Car on a Leash in a Masculine Collection of my Fears and Blockages

12.27.18

I was out in a group at some event center like possibly a bowling alley and Jamie was in the group and we were all co-mingling around a table, though Jamie and I weren’t sitting together. I think I was actually connecting with Jamie’s ex and loved her and felt no jealousy. Then I noticed Jamie getting called upstairs to participate in some karaoke thing and began heading up there without checking in with me to tell me what it was or how long it would take or what was even going on, so from about ten feet away I was screaming his name JAMIE JAMIE JAMIE and his friend (maybe his ex? A tall, compassionate half Japanese woman?) was like Shhh stop screaming, it’s okay. Then we were all watching these huge mounted TV screens showing the live karaoke show happening upstairs, but first we were featured as the fans and all dancing and I hated that notion and I saw myself on camera but slightly in the past from a hidden camera and I was dancing in this strange baggy rainbow sequined diaper thing I was trying to figure out if i was still wearing, and then I saw pics of me from Jamie’s phone that were being broadcasted to everyone! Then my dad showed up. I was like What the fuck are you doing here?!?!? And he was like There’s scary news of...(something I’m not exactly sure) but I had to alert you and I’m taking you home, and I was like I’M AN ADULT! I CAN TAKE MYSELF HOME! Get away from me! Leave! I was SHRIEKING and shaking and crying and my dad wouldn’t leave. And then Jamie came down and saw my dad there but he didn’t say anything or interact with my dad; he was just in the background. Then somehow I was in my car driving home and the scene was so familiar but I came to this overpass that was like hundreds of feet in the air looking over the whole city at nighttime  and the stars were visible I had the car behind me like a leash and the overpass was this huge slide at a checkpoint and these officers had to check you and your car in to be able to go further and I knew I’d been there before and I saw the slide and it was soooo steep and scary and I felt if I slid down I would tumble and fall off the slide and fall towards the earth and perish. I was still on top waiting and laying on my belly and the car was sliding over my back, still on the leash. I had an issue with the officer—I didn’t know some specific info he needed about my residency to pass through (cars would go down on their own pulley system like the carts at Target). I don’t think I ever slid down. The dream ended with me halted, stuck, terrified....

Later I was watching (possibly on a screen) a man holding up my book but it wasn’t my book it was Lucien’s Fear Collecting Ritual book and I didn’t know if the mix up was a mistake or if it was intentional.  

Rachel NagelbergComment