8.12.16

I took the train to Adam's apartment, about twenty or thirty minutes outside of Pittsburgh. I rushed in, hearing voices in the other room, and entered a bedroom. The voices got louder and I plummeted to the floor, pretending to be asleep. 

"Rachel, Rachel?" he called, and I stood up, brushing myself off. I had to pee, I said, so I barged in without knocking. I was embarrassed, and I was sorry. (But had I peed? What exactly was I doing?)

He showed me his music room which looked like an office with bad carpeting and five different golden and white Fender guitars. He told me that the five amps were hidden, and looked proud of himself. We then talked about how my life in LA and writing was going. I told him how he looked so much lighter now, so much more free (and he did, incredibly so, like a different person), probably because he was in love. 

I rushed down the hall to his love sitting at a dining table in a high-ceilinged open room and I gave her a tight, extended hug, expressing my congratulations on their marriage, which she accepted politely but did not seem too happy to see me. There were a number of other people in the apartment, and she took the hand of a child and began leading him away. I couldn't tell if the child was a boy or a girl, and I recall using both pronouns, but his wife corrected me harshly with "he" and turned the child around, whose face looked old and haggard.

I went to find Adam again, who was sitting now with one of my friends in a dark room, who wanted to leave. I absolutely did not. I went down the hall to put on my shoes--large, thick high heels, one bright red and one mustard yellow--and walked briskly back down the hall toward them. The whole night I had felt so sexually charged, so out of control of my emotions. I wanted to jump on Adam and fuck and fuck, but I knew that it would be wrong, and that this nearly uncontrollable physical drive between us was our downfall. Adam and my friend were sitting in front of a massive window that faced outer space. Stars and galactic colors of purples, pinks and greens sparkled and glowed, formed a holographic density before me, like gazing into a magic eye. I was awestruck. I told them this is exactly what DMT looks/feels like. Adam said isn't it amazing? I was moved to great depths, and very confused about my place in this world.