11.24.16

He was extremely flamboyant but also exceedingly masculine. In history he was known as the first Transgender, although he wasn't transgendered, and I recall his word for it starting with an F. He had tattooed my aunt's arm with a large ocean wave and some sandy landscape, which I'd seen on Instagram and loved, and so I went to see him. We experienced an immediate connection. Even before mentioning my aunt, we talked and laughed and talked. We locked eyes. He commented on how he needed someone as sincere as me in his life. He stared a second too long. I knew that he saw me, all of me. He wrote down his information with a sparkly purple pen. Micah was his name, although later I learned that others called him Froggy. 

I arrived at the large building where I would be dressed in a cardboard suit akin to a Star Wars cast member and ingest a hallucinogenic medicine. I was lead to a single renovated dorm room stocked with my costume. Some girl in the hallway was having a relationship crisis. Later, in the auditorium, about fifty of us sat on individual yoga mats that faced the front of the room. The people leading the ceremony handed out the hallucinogenic contents, which was a slab of putty that we were told to rub all over our mouths. I was frightened, having not taken entheogens without my partner present in a very long time. I decided to wait and just meditate, and when I opened my eyes I looked around and spotted one girl bent over with the putty hanging off of her mouth. I also spotted Micah, or some uncanny double version of Micah in the very back of the room. Was he supposed to be here? Did I know he was part of this group/study? I decided to take the medicine. I rubbed it all over my mouth and almost instantly the altered state came on. I removed the putty and placed it by my feet. I became high and giggly, I laid back and rolled into a 'happy baby' yoga position. I rolled onto the mat of my neighbor who was obviously pissed. I couldn't think straight. It was so very strong. I recall noting that this medicine didn't allow true processing if all it allowed me to do was roll around on the ground laughing and drooling.

I longed for the rich, honest, deep love of Micah.